R.Kelly Impersonator

Dearest R.Kelly impersonator, 

I had no idea when I stepped on the train this morning that I was stepping into your personal music video... My apologies. That being said, um what the ever loving fuck?!?! First i must say, I am so glad that you believed that you could sing well enough to decide to serenade the train with your "melodious" chops. you must have very encouraging parents, that they told you to go out and chase your dream on the finest means of public transportation. (I.e the express 2 train) but my friend lets be honest your voice isn't all that. And I didn't see you at the last American idol auditions. So what is this? Do you reeeally need the money, because that is a mighty nice iPhone 5 you're sporting, and we all know those waves in your hair ain't cheap. Are you trying to pick up chicks on the side? Because I can tell you right now that chick filming you is sure not gonna be your next prospect, I would bet money that this video will be on vine, Instagram, and/ or world star hiphop. Oh and please don't ask me for money I make it a personal rule not to give money to people who have more expensive shoes then me. 

Sincerely, 

A Fellow Subway Rider

Crop- Duster

Dear Crop-duster,

I see what you did there... I'm on to your tricks! Just before you leave the train you let one rip, leaving all the sleepy morning commuters to fend for themselves. And you’re always the small non-imposing person leaving the train oh so subtly, dropping off a package that can destroy the nations… sense of smell. Every time you step off the train it’s like a terrifying horror movie. It starts off sweet and innocent. The sleepy commuters ride the train quietly on their way to work, unaware of the impending doom that is about to befall them. Then, at the one fateful stop, you (the crop-duster), decide to strike. Now people have been shaken from their sleepy prisons. You’ve probably seen it happen; people immediately stop what they’re doing and start looking for guilty parties. Everyone starts giving each other the side eye, suspicious of other commuters trying to figure out who desecrated the air. Taking a better look at the person riding next to them like, “was it you?” Leaning away and then returning to a normal position to test how far away the stench is (as if smells travel in that trajectory), all of their accusatory looks saying the same thing, “I know it was you who farted. How DARE you? Have you no decency?!” “I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and kill you” (ala Liam Neeson, Taken). They all look like they want to pounce and kill the person who let it rip. People are pacing on the train, and at first you think they are attempting to move away from the odor, but then you realize that they are seeking out the perpetrator. What I really want to say is thank you for making Psycho and Lord of the Flies an everyday train reality. I’m sure you’re just pleased with yourself and feeling quite “peachy” at your cushy office job having released your stench on unsuspecting victims of the morning rush.

Sincerely,
A Fellow Subway Rider

Total Eclipse of the ...

My dear fellow subway rider,

I know that it's been a long and hard day for you, and all you wanna do is sit on the train and take a load off... I get it, I feel the same way. However if you don't fit in the space between two other subway riders (and let's be honest, we all know our size and how much room our body takes up on a normal basis), please, do NOT try to squeeze your ass into that seat. It's really awkward because not only do I (or whoever) have to get acquainted with your ass/the rest of your body, but I now must scooch and get personally acquainted with the person sitting next to me, or the cold metal pole that someone else's ass is comfortably leaning against. “No sir, I didn’t mean to press my face up against your ass, it was an accident" is a conversation that I don’t want to have with an innocent bystander just standing on the train listening to Imagine Dragons minding his own business. And I get it your ass may be special, I have a plump ass and I understand the hassle that occurs on public transportation but I will not subject unsuspecting strangers to my rump. Have you ever been on the other side when someone is trying to squeeze into the little bubble of space between you and some other stranger?!?! It’s terrifying! Its like the moon is colliding with our earth and you can’t do anything about it. Sometimes I just want to hurl myself onto the empty seat to prevent the uncomfortable squishyness that is about to occur. All I want patient stranger, is for you to look before you sit, assess the situation, and determine whether or not it is a good idea for you to sit in between two innocent strangers. 

Sincerely,

A fellow Subway Rider

Missed Connection Subway Lovers

Dearest Missed Connection subway lovers,

Does anyone actually find who they're looking for on missed connections? This is a serious question. Becasue as you may already know most of the missed connections on Craigslist are from the subway... And none of these people made a move. A vast majority of missed connections are just a look that someone thought they shared with someone else. And then through an act of desperation they got on Craigslist (One of the sketchiest sites, mind you. [Anyone heard of the Craigslist killer? Anyone?!?!?]) and post a Missed Connections add hoping that the person shared the same look and thought, " Hey, I want some of that. I hope they post a description of me on Craigslist Missed Connections."
First off, that is some arrogant fucking thinking. And here's why:

1. You have to think that your shit don't stink, enough to believe that some stranger on the train saw you see them and was like, "Yes, lawd Jesus. I have found my one true soul mate on public transportation. And Imma just stare at them until they make the first move."

2. You believe that this person is at home waiting for you to post a description of what they believe that they look like through a strangers eyes.

Or 3. You're waiting by your computer, believing that someone caught a glimpse of you looking at them and decided to post a description of you (Or what you believe you look like in the eyes of a stranger).

Now I'm not knocking fate and love at first site believers... because deep down in my Disney loving heart I believe the same thing... However Missed Connections is the laziest, most non-committal way of meeting your supposed soul mate in the history of the world. Grow some cajones and talk to the person... even if you say some corny nonsense like, "Hey there pretty (insert gender here [i.e. lady, guy/manchild]), I was standing over there and I couldn't help but notice you notice me and I just wanted you to know that I noticed you too. Perhaps we can get together and I can buy you a (insert beverage/ food/ munchy yum yums here)." They may laugh or tell you to fuck off but at least you tried and no longer have to wonder about the passing glimpse you received from the attractive stranger on the train.

Sincerely,
A fellow subway rider
(My boss found a missed connection post and thought that the person described me... ((awkbox))