Dear Relationship Junkies

Dear Relationship Junkies, 

I know you just met and this love is fresh and new. And I want to be the first to say kudos on meeting "the one," as you say. Yay for you being an open person; now, stand back as I shit all over your dream. 

This is the drunk train. It's all make believe in rose colored glasses. Your epic love story should not live and die on the local A train, on a Saturday night. The only relationship that should last the length of a 12-stop subway journey is the relationship between a 6" sub and your mouth (a journey that ends with a satisfied stomach and a fully intact heart). 

I get it; you meet someone "interesting" on the train and get swept up in conversation, and then swept up in each other's mouths like a regular Harlequin romance. But hold on there, Speedy Gonzales. What's interesting to drunk you isn't always interesting to sober you. It's like a horrible prank in the right lighting. Sure he may look like a cute New York artist with a dream, sure she may look like a killer rocker chic with a wicked smile, but know this: come sunrise this love will get puked all over... like for real! And if your new lover can't stick around for the left over dry mouth, the red puffy eyes with the fake eyelashes stuck to places they shouldn't be, and the remaining upchuck from the club last night, then this love isn't gonna make it. Take a step back from your relationship pokéballs and just say no... You don't need to catch 'em all. Take your drunk ass home to bed, and go to sleep. 

Sincerely, 

A fellow subway rider

Dear Proud Parents

Dear proud parents, 

The subway stairs are not the appropriate place to start training your toddler on how to walk. Don't do it.

 1. It's extremely dangerous; people are always generally in a rush in this fine city. Always looking up or straight ahead... Your 2ft tall toddler is not in their line of vision, hence causing a collision of epic proportions. No bieno! (this also applies to luggage, strollers, and  people under the height of 5'0": hurry up/down the stairs or be prepared for the consequences) 

2. Said people are assholes and can't even fathom having a child in the city, or they mostly leave their kids with nannies and so still the little ones are not foremost on their minds. (unless they are at a park)  

And finally...

3. Your kid is SLOW. I don't care what their preschool teacher says, they cannot move faster than someone at least 3ft taller than them with the distinct goal of "making it" in this fine city. 

So when you get to the subway stairs, pick that child up over your head like you're Mufasa saving Simba from the wildebeest stampede and get to higher ground where you and your tyke can be safe knowing you're out of harms way. 

L'chaim

Sincerely, 

A fellow subway rider

Dear Robin Hood

Dear Robin Hood, 

Are tights back in style?!?!? Because those are more balls then I ever wanted to see. If you're a performer I am glad that you are making it happen in this big city but damn dude save those tether balls for the playground. Put on some damn pants. I know it's the first day of spring but lets not get crazy! 

Sincerely, 

A fellow subway rider

Dearest Mover and Shaker

Dearest mover and shaker, 

I realize that that this train is crowded and thank you for having the decentcy to move to let others on the train. Your sheer gallantry and chivalry is admirable but um... Did you realize that your butt, or rather your booty is kind of perched on my shoulder? And I'm sure that in order to let people on the train you needed to "back that ass up" and out of the way but, no one asked you to back that ass up and perch it on my shoulder, and leave it there. Like for real I am starting to have a real space complex. And please, oh please god do not fart or I may loose my shit seriously. 

Sincerely, 

A fellow subway rider 

R.Kelly Impersonator

Dearest R.Kelly impersonator, 

I had no idea when I stepped on the train this morning that I was stepping into your personal music video... My apologies. That being said, um what the ever loving fuck?!?! First i must say, I am so glad that you believed that you could sing well enough to decide to serenade the train with your "melodious" chops. you must have very encouraging parents, that they told you to go out and chase your dream on the finest means of public transportation. (I.e the express 2 train) but my friend lets be honest your voice isn't all that. And I didn't see you at the last American idol auditions. So what is this? Do you reeeally need the money, because that is a mighty nice iPhone 5 you're sporting, and we all know those waves in your hair ain't cheap. Are you trying to pick up chicks on the side? Because I can tell you right now that chick filming you is sure not gonna be your next prospect, I would bet money that this video will be on vine, Instagram, and/ or world star hiphop. Oh and please don't ask me for money I make it a personal rule not to give money to people who have more expensive shoes then me. 

Sincerely, 

A Fellow Subway Rider

Crop- Duster

Dear Crop-duster,

I see what you did there... I'm on to your tricks! Just before you leave the train you let one rip, leaving all the sleepy morning commuters to fend for themselves. And you’re always the small non-imposing person leaving the train oh so subtly, dropping off a package that can destroy the nations… sense of smell. Every time you step off the train it’s like a terrifying horror movie. It starts off sweet and innocent. The sleepy commuters ride the train quietly on their way to work, unaware of the impending doom that is about to befall them. Then, at the one fateful stop, you (the crop-duster), decide to strike. Now people have been shaken from their sleepy prisons. You’ve probably seen it happen; people immediately stop what they’re doing and start looking for guilty parties. Everyone starts giving each other the side eye, suspicious of other commuters trying to figure out who desecrated the air. Taking a better look at the person riding next to them like, “was it you?” Leaning away and then returning to a normal position to test how far away the stench is (as if smells travel in that trajectory), all of their accusatory looks saying the same thing, “I know it was you who farted. How DARE you? Have you no decency?!” “I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and kill you” (ala Liam Neeson, Taken). They all look like they want to pounce and kill the person who let it rip. People are pacing on the train, and at first you think they are attempting to move away from the odor, but then you realize that they are seeking out the perpetrator. What I really want to say is thank you for making Psycho and Lord of the Flies an everyday train reality. I’m sure you’re just pleased with yourself and feeling quite “peachy” at your cushy office job having released your stench on unsuspecting victims of the morning rush.

Sincerely,
A Fellow Subway Rider

Total Eclipse of the ...

My dear fellow subway rider,

I know that it's been a long and hard day for you, and all you wanna do is sit on the train and take a load off... I get it, I feel the same way. However if you don't fit in the space between two other subway riders (and let's be honest, we all know our size and how much room our body takes up on a normal basis), please, do NOT try to squeeze your ass into that seat. It's really awkward because not only do I (or whoever) have to get acquainted with your ass/the rest of your body, but I now must scooch and get personally acquainted with the person sitting next to me, or the cold metal pole that someone else's ass is comfortably leaning against. “No sir, I didn’t mean to press my face up against your ass, it was an accident" is a conversation that I don’t want to have with an innocent bystander just standing on the train listening to Imagine Dragons minding his own business. And I get it your ass may be special, I have a plump ass and I understand the hassle that occurs on public transportation but I will not subject unsuspecting strangers to my rump. Have you ever been on the other side when someone is trying to squeeze into the little bubble of space between you and some other stranger?!?! It’s terrifying! Its like the moon is colliding with our earth and you can’t do anything about it. Sometimes I just want to hurl myself onto the empty seat to prevent the uncomfortable squishyness that is about to occur. All I want patient stranger, is for you to look before you sit, assess the situation, and determine whether or not it is a good idea for you to sit in between two innocent strangers. 

Sincerely,

A fellow Subway Rider

Missed Connection Subway Lovers

Dearest Missed Connection subway lovers,

Does anyone actually find who they're looking for on missed connections? This is a serious question. Becasue as you may already know most of the missed connections on Craigslist are from the subway... And none of these people made a move. A vast majority of missed connections are just a look that someone thought they shared with someone else. And then through an act of desperation they got on Craigslist (One of the sketchiest sites, mind you. [Anyone heard of the Craigslist killer? Anyone?!?!?]) and post a Missed Connections add hoping that the person shared the same look and thought, " Hey, I want some of that. I hope they post a description of me on Craigslist Missed Connections."
First off, that is some arrogant fucking thinking. And here's why:

1. You have to think that your shit don't stink, enough to believe that some stranger on the train saw you see them and was like, "Yes, lawd Jesus. I have found my one true soul mate on public transportation. And Imma just stare at them until they make the first move."

2. You believe that this person is at home waiting for you to post a description of what they believe that they look like through a strangers eyes.

Or 3. You're waiting by your computer, believing that someone caught a glimpse of you looking at them and decided to post a description of you (Or what you believe you look like in the eyes of a stranger).

Now I'm not knocking fate and love at first site believers... because deep down in my Disney loving heart I believe the same thing... However Missed Connections is the laziest, most non-committal way of meeting your supposed soul mate in the history of the world. Grow some cajones and talk to the person... even if you say some corny nonsense like, "Hey there pretty (insert gender here [i.e. lady, guy/manchild]), I was standing over there and I couldn't help but notice you notice me and I just wanted you to know that I noticed you too. Perhaps we can get together and I can buy you a (insert beverage/ food/ munchy yum yums here)." They may laugh or tell you to fuck off but at least you tried and no longer have to wonder about the passing glimpse you received from the attractive stranger on the train.

Sincerely,
A fellow subway rider
(My boss found a missed connection post and thought that the person described me... ((awkbox))

Octopus Hands

Dear handsy gentleman to my left,

That is not YOUR knee that your hand is resting on. Did you think that the senses in my knee were so dull that I wouldn't notice? And that is not a come hither look in shooting you but a stink eye! Learn to notice the subtle differences or you might go home with a black eye.... Much better. Have a lovely night.

Cheers,
A fellow subway rider

Subway Surfer

Dear Guy peeing in between the two subway cars,

WhAt the Fuuuuuuuck?!?! Is it really that hard to hold your pee until you get home... You are a grown ass man. Like seriously if I can do it so can you.... But come to think of it although I am totally grossed out (and I believe that I have every right to be) I'm slightly jealous. You have the ability to surf between the subway cars and relieve yourself without fear of your dick getting sliced off by some random flying object. I mean you don't see women squatting between two subway cars peeing. Like imagine all of the fucking debris that would get splashed up there. So in a sense kudos on having the balls to surf between and let it fly.

Sincerely,
A fellow subway rider

(Note to self... Don't ever switch switch subway cars mid ride)

Can't Keep It in Your Pants

Dear horny asian girl on the train,

I don't think that it's proper etiquette for you to open your legs so wide that they swallow your boyfriend. Like seriously lady control your urges. And if this quiet acknowledgment of your over eagerness doesn't curb your enthusiasm then maybe the fact that I'm sitting next to you will.

Thanks,
Fellow subway rider