Octopus Hands

Dear handsy gentleman to my left,

That is not YOUR knee that your hand is resting on. Did you think that the senses in my knee were so dull that I wouldn't notice? And that is not a come hither look in shooting you but a stink eye! Learn to notice the subtle differences or you might go home with a black eye.... Much better. Have a lovely night.

Cheers,
A fellow subway rider

Subway Surfer

Dear Guy peeing in between the two subway cars,

WhAt the Fuuuuuuuck?!?! Is it really that hard to hold your pee until you get home... You are a grown ass man. Like seriously if I can do it so can you.... But come to think of it although I am totally grossed out (and I believe that I have every right to be) I'm slightly jealous. You have the ability to surf between the subway cars and relieve yourself without fear of your dick getting sliced off by some random flying object. I mean you don't see women squatting between two subway cars peeing. Like imagine all of the fucking debris that would get splashed up there. So in a sense kudos on having the balls to surf between and let it fly.

Sincerely,
A fellow subway rider

(Note to self... Don't ever switch switch subway cars mid ride)

Can't Keep It in Your Pants

Dear horny asian girl on the train,

I don't think that it's proper etiquette for you to open your legs so wide that they swallow your boyfriend. Like seriously lady control your urges. And if this quiet acknowledgment of your over eagerness doesn't curb your enthusiasm then maybe the fact that I'm sitting next to you will.

Thanks,
Fellow subway rider