Monday, March 3, 2014

Total Eclipse of the ...

My dear fellow subway rider,

I know that it's been a long and hard day for you, and all you wanna do is sit on the train and take a load off... I get it, I feel the same way. However if you don't fit in the space between two other subway riders (and let's be honest, we all know our size and how much room our body takes up on a normal basis), please, do NOT try to squeeze your ass into that seat. It's really awkward because not only do I (or whoever) have to get acquainted with your ass/the rest of your body, but I now must scooch and get personally acquainted with the person sitting next to me, or the cold metal pole that someone else's ass is comfortably leaning against. “No sir, I didn’t mean to press my face up against your ass, it was an accident" is a conversation that I don’t want to have with an innocent bystander just standing on the train listening to Imagine Dragons minding his own business. And I get it your ass may be special, I have a plump ass and I understand the hassle that occurs on public transportation but I will not subject unsuspecting strangers to my rump. Have you ever been on the other side when someone is trying to squeeze into the little bubble of space between you and some other stranger?!?! It’s terrifying! Its like the moon is colliding with our earth and you can’t do anything about it. Sometimes I just want to hurl myself onto the empty seat to prevent the uncomfortable squishyness that is about to occur. All I want patient stranger, is for you to look before you sit, assess the situation, and determine whether or not it is a good idea for you to sit in between two innocent strangers. 

A fellow Subway Rider

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