Thursday, March 6, 2014

Crop- Duster

Dear Crop-duster,

I see what you did there... I'm on to your tricks! Just before you leave the train you let one rip, leaving all the sleepy morning commuters to fend for themselves. And you’re always the small non-imposing person leaving the train oh so subtly, dropping off a package that can destroy the nations… sense of smell. Every time you step off the train it’s like a terrifying horror movie. It starts off sweet and innocent. The sleepy commuters ride the train quietly on their way to work, unaware of the impending doom that is about to befall them. Then, at the one fateful stop, you (the crop-duster), decide to strike. Now people have been shaken from their sleepy prisons. You’ve probably seen it happen; people immediately stop what they’re doing and start looking for guilty parties. Everyone starts giving each other the side eye, suspicious of other commuters trying to figure out who desecrated the air. Taking a better look at the person riding next to them like, “was it you?” Leaning away and then returning to a normal position to test how far away the stench is (as if smells travel in that trajectory), all of their accusatory looks saying the same thing, “I know it was you who farted. How DARE you? Have you no decency?!” “I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and kill you” (ala Liam Neeson, Taken). They all look like they want to pounce and kill the person who let it rip. People are pacing on the train, and at first you think they are attempting to move away from the odor, but then you realize that they are seeking out the perpetrator. What I really want to say is thank you for making Psycho and Lord of the Flies an everyday train reality. I’m sure you’re just pleased with yourself and feeling quite “peachy” at your cushy office job having released your stench on unsuspecting victims of the morning rush.

A Fellow Subway Rider

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